i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
