just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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