I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
