You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
