The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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