So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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