You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
