I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
