i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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