I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
