He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
