Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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