there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
