Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
