i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
