Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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