Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
