I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
