:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
