Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
