The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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