Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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