I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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