Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i love accidental penises.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
