I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
