Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
