I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
