i just had sex bonerless
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Houston, we have a squirter
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
