I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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