I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
