you didnt know i had herpes?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
