i need an iv and a liver transplant
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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