What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
