failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
