Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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