When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
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today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
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