you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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