dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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