i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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