Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
