You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
