I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
