I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
