i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
