I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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