If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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