I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
