it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
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If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
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