Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
