I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
