he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I can't turn off my feet"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
