I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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