I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
