dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
