I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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