Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
