You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
