remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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