You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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