u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I AM VODKA MAN
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
