4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
